Five Reasons Why You should Never Date An Accountant

Any accountant worth his/her salt sees everything two ways--  what goes in, and what goes out.  

Everything. 

There is no debating this.  

For an accountant, the world revolves around two concepts; debits and credits.  Physicists have a different term for this.  They call it Newton's 3rd law, which states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  It may smell different, but it's the same banana.

Having established this foundation, let's now list down the reasons why you should never date an accountant.

1.  To an accountant, you're either an investment, or an expense.  When an accountant starts courting a girl, he will give her flowers, chocolates, buy her dinner, even take her to the movies. Generally, the accountant will view these initial outflows as investments.  Which means that he's spending all these money with an expectation of future gains.  As time goes by however, and the accountant feels that he's going nowhere with these 'investments', he'll start to re-evaluate his initial assumptions and over time, when his efforts remain fruitless, he'll start considering these outflows as expenses.  So at the end of another date, when an accountant looks at you weirdly, he's probably thinking, 'Is this woman an investment, or an expense?'.  If he finally decides that you're the latter, be prepared to be written off.

2.   An accountant is pathologically balanced.  That may sound like a really good trait, but is it really? Is it?  You may have heard of some anecdotes from your accountant friends how they spent all night looking for that missing 1 peso.  'Why would you do that?', you ask.  Because the freaking BALANCE SHEET is not balanced that's why!! How can we ever call it a balance sheet if it's not balanced?? Might as well call it SHEET!!!  Ok, sorry, my emotions got the better of me.

3.  Details, details, details.  You ever heard the idiom, the devil is in the details?  Well an accountant is extremely detail oriented.  He will look at everything top, down, sideways to ensure that he's covered every possible angle.  That includes you.  He will notice that you got lipstick on your teeth.

4.  Master of the fine print.  On the flipside, an accountant will also tell you everything in the interest of full disclosure, but be mindful of everything he says. Take note of every detail.  An accountant has been trained in the art of the fine print.  Ever heard of notes to financial statements?  Yep, accountants have been known to hide things in there.

5.  Checks and Balances.  Accountants like things whole.  If he pays for a dinner check worth P1,695.75 and he gives out two P1,000 bills, he expects to receive P304.25 in change, calculated in advance. He needs to get the exact change or at least take note of the discrepancy as this could drive him crazy when he goes home at the end of the day, and does his daily cash reconciliation.  He might just spend all night looking for that missing 1 peso.  <<see #2>>

When all is said and done, this is just a humor piece, and should not be taken to heart.  Given that the writer is making an attempt to be funny, you can be certain that the writer is no accountant.  As everyone and their mother knows, accountants don't have a sense of humor.  

And that's #6.